The One With Lily's Sarcasm
by CallaBunny
Summary: Lily Evans finds balance for once in her life. Through a whirlwind of sarcasm, and not too mention pretty random thoughts, go inside the mind of Lily Evans. See her view on this green and blue planet that she sees as yellow, tan, black, and....purple?
1. My Sarcastic Self

The world is out to get me.

It basically wants me to fail at life, while everyone else laughs. Especially the b-squad, as I call them. They love to laugh at me. But I'll complain about them later. At this current time I'm sulking about how much this bloody planet hates me.

I'm not kidding.

Fifth year only just ended, and I'm so bored I can't move. Literally.

I can hear their ridiculing snickers when I walk in a crowd. Their taunting of how I look like a dying cow lying on the side of a gravel road.

Okay, so maybe no one actually calls me that or snickers, except the Slytherins of course. They'd love to see me at my worst, so they try to upset me.

It works.

I have a horrible temper. My kindergarten teacher once described my temper as a menacing, deathly volcano (which I think she got from my red hair) that is out to ruin her. She also added some other colorful words, which my innocent little five-year old eyes would have widened at had I not already heard them from my own bloody hag of a mother.

Oh well, I guess I don't blame my teacher for getting mad at me, but I didn't expect to have to change schools because of it. Yeah, so I beat the crap out of a boy in third grade because he accidentally bumped into me and fell on top of me. I didn't know it was an accident, I thought he was attacking me. My overprotective dad taught me where to hit a boy when he tried anything. So, I ended up putting him in the hospital wing for a month. Oops.

Well, I'm getting way off the subject. You're probably wondering why I'm sulking. Well, at the current time I'm lying at the bottom of a staircase in my house's front parlor. I found out that falling down the steps is faster than walking. I should obviously get a Nobel Prize for that observation. If the Slytherins were here, they'd probably say I look like a dying cow.

"Eww, you're such a freak."

Never mind, who needs Slytherins when I have my _lovely_ sister. Plus, I'd rather be a freak than a cow.

"Thanks."

I know, I have such a way with words. Give me a break; it's six bloody fifteen in the morning. I don't talk right, or walk right obviously, when the sun isn't even fully risen yet. It took me forever to process the fact that I was lying down instead of moving to the kitchen. Oh, wait, the pain is coming now. Ow.

"I'm surprised, freak. You've managed to reach a new level of ugliness since last summer. I don't think I've seen anything more horrid in my life."

What about your face? Yea, I can't say that, mother will send me off to boot camp for acting so unladylike. Of course, Petunia has perfect etiquette. The world freak isn't rude at all. Note the sarcasm.

I think I'll just ignore her. Right. Ok, Lily, don't say anything. Keep your mouth shut. Don't let her meaningless insult get to you, or your self-esteem. Yea, Lily! You got, just ignore her till she leaves. Pay her no mind. Look away. Look away.

"At least my face doesn't resemble a horse that got stung my a dozen bees and kicked in the face. Not to mention the fact that my shoulders aren't like to monstrous pyramids shooting out of my body at odd angles."

Shoot. Run away. Owww, never mind, I can't even sit up though. Oh, she has really evil eyes. Now, they're not nearly as evil as Bellatrix Black, but definitely an accomplishment. It's true though, she has these horrible shoulders. I was also correct about her face resembling a horse. She looks a lot like great grandma Lydia. Or at least the pictures I've seen. Not pretty.

"You just don't know when to shut up do you freak?" No, I do. "Just wait till mom finds out that you've been calling me names."

Okay, I didn't call her any names. Yes, I described her not-so-compromising features, but no name-calling in there.

Well, I'm finally standing again, that took long enough. I might as well follow Petunia to the kitchen. I swear I had the idea first. She must be psychic or something, knowing that I was coming in here. Maybe she wants to be friends again and is going to apologize for being such a rat of a sister. Then we can stay up all night and talk about boys, clothes, fo—

"Mommy, Lily called me a whore."

Oh, mother's in the kitchen. Never mind about the whole bonding thing, that's out the window.

Wait, rewind. BLOODY HELL. When did I call her a whore? I mean, yea, she is one, but I don't recall calling her one.

"Lillian Marie Anna Lynn Evans, when will you learn that you have no right to call your sister such discriminating names."

Like you haven't used them before mother. By the way, my mother couldn't decide on one middle name, so she gave me three. That's just another reason of why I, Lily Evans, am an absolute loser. Or, as Petunia loves to call me, freak.

"I'm terribly sorry mother, but I meant it in the nicest way possible. I mean, what is she supposed to do with all of those boys, I mean handsome young gentlemen, flocking her? Not ignore them, of course."

So it's not my best save ever. Please forgive me oh great one.

Luckily my mother's beeper started buzzing at that exact moment. Coincidence, no. Miracle, yes. That beeper that I hated for the past sixteen years of my life has just saved me from a ten minute long lecture on being a disgrace to our family. I knew it wasn't a good for nothing, cheap, annoying, lowdown, nasty, spiteful, explosi—

"Oh, I have to run girls. Business trip for the weekend. I'll be back Monday night."

She's off getting laid by her boss. She'll be back Friday. Remind me why my dad is still with her?

Oh yeah, he wants me to "grow up in a house full of love without the complications of divorce."

Okay. Point number one, this house has no love considering my dad is never home. And number two, who says he has to divorce her? Just leave and take me with you.

Well, I might as well spend the rest of this wonderful summer, which just started yesterday by the way, watching reruns and getting fat off doughnuts. Nah, that won't work. Doughnuts are overdone; I'll have to go with cookies. No, Snickers will work just fine. Come to think of it, I'm not very hungry.

Yea, this is the foreboding of a great summer.

I, Lily Evans, sixteen year old, ragged excuse for a girl, am not off to a good start at spending the next three months with my beloved family.

I'd like to mention that sarcasm is a wonderful thing.


	2. Twilight is the Highlight of My Life

**A/N: Hey guys! I'm going to try to post a chapter about once a week, but I can't promise anything. I would like a few more reviews, well actually a LOT more. It definitely lowers my self-esteem if I only get one review. I don't feel motivated to write if no one gives feedback. Oh, well, I can't force you to review…but I could attempt threatening. Beware! Moving on, here's another chapter of The One With Lily's Sarcasm. In this chapter, I'm going to explain a lot more, such as Lily's relationship with the infamous Marauders.**

Chapter Two-Twilight is the Highlight of My Life

Swirling. Swirling around in lovely design. Dancing like ballerinas. Oh, how I love to dance. Too bad I have no rhythm.

I love watching the sunset. It soothes my madness. It makes me refrain from tying Petunia to an angry rhino and casting her off into a tsunami. Wait, that might not be a bad idea. Ah, but what a petty reason to go to prison over. I'd rather waste away my life by killing Potter.

Potter. I just _had_ to bring him up, didn't I? Oh how I want to use a memory charm to forget I ever met him. That I never have to remember such an arrogant scumbag. That I never have to remember his unflattering way of making a scene or embarrassing me. That I never have to remember those mischievous eyes, conceited smirk, and hair that looks like my grandma's old mop.

Merlin, I hate him.

Okay, hate is a pretty strong word. I need stronger. Hmmm…loathe. I loathe Potter. I loathe how everyone loves him, his perfect family, perfect friends, perfect grades, perfect looks, and perfect life.

Yes, I'd say we don't get along.

And, you did hear me correctly when I said perfect looks. He is probably the hottest guy I've ever seen besides Black, more on him later. Merlin, he looks like a god. I would seriously bow down to him if I didn't know better. Come to think of it, most of the girls at Hogwarts act like they want to bow down to him.

But not me.

I actually have some common sense, despite popular belief. Ever since he turned by hair into carrots in first year, I have detested him. Of course, I didn't show it. Nope, Lily Evans was always nice, shy, and quiet. Heehee, I'd have to hex you if you believed that. In fact, Potter was the first person I did hex. You see, I'm very self-conscious about my hair. It isn't a comforting thought knowing I look like a walking fire hydrant. I used the bat-bogey hex on him. If a prefect didn't hold me back I probably would have knocked him with my own fists. Boy, if he knew what I did to that third grader he would have never made me look like a garden of vegetables.

Now, James Potter is not alone in his little pranks and escapades. Oh, no. His sidekick is Sirius Black. He thinks he's God's gift to women. I think he is. He has to be the most ridiculously good-looking stud muffin I have ever laid eyes on. But no, I would never date him. He's a player. He goes through girls like he does boxers. I've even seen him with several different girlfriends in one day. Well, more like sluts then girlfriends. They're more like prostitutes that don't make him pay. I will give him some credit on getting me to laugh. Yes, he's very funny. We are kind of like friendly acquaintances. But, Merlin, I could melt looking into those delicious grey/black eyes.

Remus Lupin. He is such a cutie. Light brown hair, and gentle light blue eyes. He has these dimples that make me want to pinch his cheeks like my Aunt Millie grabs mine. We pretty good friends. We study together, and yes we do actually study. Sometimes we chat when Potter and Black are off in detention. I know about his furry little problem, too, but I'm waiting till he trusts me enough to tell me himself. Poor guy, he doesn't deserve the pain and problems that come with it. It should have been Malfoy. Or maybe Snape. Oh well.

Now for little Peter Pettigrew. He's always jumpy and, well, annoying. He looks on the verge of tears whenever someone talks to him. I don't know why he's a marauder, because he isn't smart or athletic. Hell, he isn't even fun to be around. I think everyone feels sorry for him actually. I don't like him to put it bluntly.

And those are the marauders.

The bane of my existence.

I would be fine with them ignoring actually, if Potter didn't constantly ask me out. Does he not know the meaning of the word "no"? I mean, seriously!

I don't really have any really good friends at Hogwarts. Most girls don't like me because they're jealous of me being the object of James Potter's affection. I could care less. I know I'm just a challenge to him. Something he can't get. Oh well, back to me having no friends. Wow, that sounds pretty pitiful. It's not that I'm a loner, because I'm not. I'm friendly with everyone. I tutor younger kids, and study with older ones. I cheer for the quidditch players, and comfort girls that Black dumped. So, yes, I basically have tons of friends, but not anyone close. No one at Hogwarts besides Remus knows the Lily Evans under the other layers. No one knows of the girl waiting to be seen. No one knows the evil genius yearning to take over the world in the very near future! Okay, never mind about that last one. But Remus has been the only one to see close to the real Lily Evans.

Now, I'm not lying to everyone. I'm not a fake, but there is more to me than books and a temper.

Now, I'm rambling. Moving on to a new topic, where was I? Oh yeah, I guess I started by talking about the sunset.

Yes, pretty colors.

I love swirling pretty colors that dance at dusk.

I'm getting a bit sleepy, come to think of it.

"Lillian, time for breakfast."

Wha? Huh? Did I hear someone? Ah, yes, morning. My precious mother's voice. Breakfast. Wait. FOOD! Yay! There is a reason to live!

"Coming, mother," I called back down.

It is now three days till the end of summer.

Nothing worth telling has happened.

I have been eating and running and watching TV and yelling at my sister and eating and more running.

Yeah, I've been such a busy girl.

My dad did come by for a week though. We spent the whole time together, having fun. If it weren't for that week, I would be in a nut house by now. My sister and mother have been busy planning the crummiest day of the year a.k.a. Petunia's wedding. It will be in October, so I don't have to attend. Thank Merlin. The whole time my mother has been dropping hints for me to tie the knot. Okay, fist of all, I've only had one boyfriend. It lasted a week, thanks to Potter. Second of all, she only wants me married so she can get money and another bastard to screw.

Life is always interesting when my mother is a whore.

And my dad is in a band.

Wow, the kitchen is really bright this morning. Is that pancakes I smell? Yup, there's no mistaking those chocolate chip pancakes. Mom must be shagging a chef this week.

"There you are sweetie, this is Maurice. He decided to join us for breakfast and even cook! He's a magnificent chef from the restaurant by my office. Maurice, this is my lovely youngest daughter Lillian."

Wow, she's playing the sweet and caring mother card. Usually she ignores me. Hmm, this guy must like her because she's a family lady.

"Oh, aren't you one of the cutest things I've ever seen? Lillian-I may call you Lillian right? You are just precious."

Oh, Merlin. He's like 50. My mom's 34 by the way. Yes, she had Petunia when she was 16. Once a slut, always a slut. This guy is good-looking for his age though, he has to be for my mom to bring him home. I really, really don't like that look in his eyes. I feel so inferior under his gaze. Eww.

"Why thank you, sir. It was just peachy meeting you. I'll just have a couple pancakes and be on my way to church, isn't that right mother?"

I said all this while shoving two pancakes on my plate and drowning them in maple syrup. F.Y.I., I don't go to church. I'm not religious, but I have to act saintly for my mother.

"Yes, dear, of course you do," she replied while giving me a warning look. Sometimes I overdo it on the sugary sweetness.

"Church? Really? That's great! How interesting," Marie, or what ever his name is, replied. I think he was expecting me to be an atheist like my mother. Considering God would not approve of what she does with him.

"Oh, yes. Very interesting. I'm studying to be a Rabi," I replied matter-of-factly while trying to keep a straight face.

I really wanted to laugh. My mother was beet red and glaring. Marquis, or whoever, was shocked. He looked like a confused old dog.

I ran for it out the back door.

I was kind of sad. There was half of a pancake still on my plate. Poor pancake, I don't get to eat it.

I guess I'll hide out in the tree house today

Ah, this is comfy. I've really gotten too big for this cramped little excuse for a tree house.

Oh, look! A pretty little owl! Huh? Who would owl me?

Ow, that stupid little twit flew into me! I want to cry! Owie! Oh, wait, look at the pretty letter.

_Dear Beautiful Flower,_

_You take my breath away now and forever. You are the most beautiful creature on this whole planet. I want to hold you in my arms forever. Your eyes are like pools of green that go on forever._

_Okay, enough of that crap. Remus told me that you like poetry. What I am trying to say is: You are beautiful. And lovely. And awesome._

_I think we should get to know each other better this year. Maybe we can chat at the Three Broomsticks, or clean the broom closets together._

_You know you love me,_

_James Potter_

_P.s. Will you go out with me?_

Well that was dumb. Firstly, you don't write "poetry", then call it crap. God, will he ever give up? Oh, wait, this is Potter we're talking about. Persistent, challenger, never-gives-up James Potter.

Well, I guess his owl wants a reply since it hasn't left yet.

Fine. Be that way.

_Toerag,_

_No._

_Leave me the hell alone,_

_L.E._

I think that'll get the message across.

Just three more days till I leave this rabbit hole and head back home. Well, as homely as it can get with Potter there.

'Night.

**A/N: Remember, please review. I feel like ever one hates me because they don't give any feed back. Even if you hate this whole story, tell me! If you hope I burn to death, just tell me! But please, make sure you say it nicely. I don't want my feelings hurt.**

**Okay, this chapter was really pointless. It really only shows what she feels about the marauders and how Lily explains her mother's "life."**

**In next chapter: We're off to see the wizards, the wonderful wizards at Hogwarts.**

**THANK YOU SO MUCH, WeRtheScaredYet! You are the only one that reviewed so far!**


	3. Serendipity, au contraire

**A/N: Yes, I know I said earlier that I would try to update once a week. Well, you can probably see that didn't happen. I'm unbelievably lazy. But I do have a good excuse! Oh yes! You see, my high school collects our laptops during the summer for updates and all that crap. Plus, I already had this chapter done then. I just got my laptop back today. So, I thought "Why not update my fanfic, so people won't hurt me?" Then I replied to myself "I don't wanna get hurt. Okay!" Therefore, I am now updating. Okay, I'll shut up so you can read now. Oh, wait, I finally set up the anonymous review thing on I know some people e-mailed me about that! Sorry! Oh, thanks to all of my reviewers, even if I can count them on one hand. I was still amazed to get even that many reviews. Thank you! And Goodnight! Ciao.**

**Disclaimer: The characters and setting and everything you recognize does not belong to me. That's all J.K.'s. I'm more like a puppeteer, and I can make the characters do whatever I want them to.**

"Mmmmmm…yummy. Squishy. Fluffy. Bouncy. Delicious…Marshmallows."

BUZZZZZZZ!

Groan.

CRASH

BOOM

Owww. Great, my morning is officially ruined thanks to the good-for-nothing alarm clock. At least I had the small pleasure of chucking it at the wall. But then that movement made me fall! Okay…fine, I fell on my own.

Bloody hand-eye coordination.

Holy Merlin, I hate getting up in the morning.

I was having such a lovely dream, too. I was just about to bite into the gooey mound of marshmallows, when that blasted clock contraption decided I wasn't worthy enough to eat the sticky, yet delectable, mushy mountain of goodness.

My stomach definitely wants some marshmallows now.

Well, I seem to be wasting time just sprawled here on the floor, so I might as well go down to the kitchen and look for marshmallows. I bet my mom has some. Yup, she most likely uses them to seduce rich guys. Whoa, mental images. Ew.

Think of something else….hmmm…oh yea, that blasted alarm clock. Usually I wake up before it. I always set it for ten o'clock, because that's when I take a jog around the neighborhood. I enjoy running around the lake at Hogwarts much more, but my neighborhood will do during the summer. Right, I should be jogging right now. Stupid marshmallow craving. And now I can't even find any in the kitchen!

Might as well go watch TV.

Merlin, I'm tired. Why the hell am I tired enough to be woken up by my alarm clock? Hmmm. Oh yea! I was packing!

Wait.

BLOODY HELL!

It's September 1st!

Hogwarts.

Train.

Pajamas.

Marshmallows. Oh, I hope I can find some of those on the food trolley.

No time!

Oh My Merlin, I have to shower and change clothes, and get to the station.

And it's already 10:20.

Shit.

(((((((AFTER A SHOWER, CHANGING CLOTHES 4 TIMES, NO BREAKFAST, FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS 2 TIMES, TRIPPING OVER FURNITURE 5 TIMES, AND THE KNIGHTBUS. AT KINGS CROSS.)))))))

Running. Running. I'm late. Running. Running. Thank Merlin I tripped outside and the Knightbus came. Running. Running. I can thank my clumsiness for once. Running Running.

Wow, it's like a movie.

Run, Forest, run!

Haha, I love that movie.

Stop, Forest, stop.

BAM!

Groan. Ow. So, physical objects really do hurt. Wadda you know? Groan. Oh damn, I ran into a _person_. Shit. Wait, I guess that's not as stupid as running into a wall. Okay, now I just do my rehearsed apology, help them up, apologize again, and get my hide out of here.

What the hell is a hand doing in front of my face?

Wait, it's attached to a body. No wonder. Hmmm, so my victim beat me to standing on their feet and offering help. Strike one.

Well, might as well take the hand, and get to the apologizing before they beat me again.

"I'm so sorr-Oh, it's you Black. Never mind."

Strike two.

"Geez Evans, you're the one that ran into me."

Damn, he just _had_ to bring me up my klutziness right away.

"Yeah, well you weren't watching where you were going either, Black."

"I've been standing here for the past five minutes waiting for James, Evans."

Oops. I didn't see him there.

Oh Merlin, he just had to mention Potter.

"Why don't you go wait for your precious Potter away from the Platform so people can get through."

"Evans, there's room to get by beside me. You're not a cow."

Oh My Merlin, how does he know me deepest fear of being as fat as a cow?

My God, he's good.

"Ah, I love it when my future wife and best mate get along. Now, don't get too close you two."

Potter.

I should have known him and Black couldn't survive ten minutes without each other.

Their both gay, if you ask me. Except for the whole womanizing thing.

Are all the gods out to get me?

First I'm late. Then I run into Black. And what would a bad day be without Potter?

Wait. Rewind.

LATE.

DAMN IT!

I gotta get to the train.

"Screw you, Potter."

I always have to have the last word. No matter how childish that sounded.

"Only if you're there, too," was the last thing I heard before I walked through Platform 9 ¾.

Damn him and his perverse self. Oh well, I sort of asked for it.

Yes, the train didn't leave yet! Oh, how I love that red, sparkly train.

Now, I just have to find a compartment where Potter can't find me.

Approaching door number one.

"Well, if it isn't the Mudblood."

Yea, maybe not this one.

"Malfoy, you're well on your way to looking like a ghost."

His face has gotten paler over the summer. Just a matter of years until it becomes transparent.

"Well, you sure have gotten filthier than even I thought possible."

I hate that bloody sneer.

And I do **not** look filthy. Oh wait, I do. Ew. I have mud on my jeans from running into Black and falling down, and my hair is messed up from all the times I fell down this morning. Not to mention, I hate wearing make up. Plus, the baggy t-shirt doesn't really help.

This is not a good morning. And I am not a happy camper.

"Kiss my ass, Malfoy."

Oh, he doesn't look happy.

I guess I'll be exiting now.

SLAM.

Oops, I didn't _mean_ to slam the door in his face. My bad.

Ah, door number two.

Heehee, scared little first years. This could be fun! No, Lily! You are not like Potter and his minions. Amen to that. But I still want to petrify them. No, that's mean, Lily. So, I am mean. No, you are nice and kind and -- oh hell I wanna scare them. But you're a prefect! So? SO BE NICE!

"OKAY!"

Oops, did I say that out loud? Shit, I startled the little midget people, I need to explain.

"Hi! I'm sorry, I just needed to get your attention. I'm Lily Evans, and I'm patrolling the train right now. I've come to welcome you all to The Hogwarts Express and make sure your trip is extra special. The food trolley will be here shortly and if there is an emergency, please grab the nearest floating device. If you have any questions, please come and get me or a fellow prefect, because if you're happy, we're happy!"

Now, for the fast getaway.

Whoosh. Yes, freedom.

Well, if no other jobs work out I could always be a flight attendant.

Now, for door number three. Third times a charm.

"And then, I was like 'But Tina, like, he's my boyfriend.' So she was like, 'No.' So I took my lip-gloss, like, out of my purse and, like, put it on to show that, like, I was, like, so much more, like, stylish than her. So, she, like, put on this last season, like, eye shadow, while giving me the finger. I was, like, 'I no you _didn't_!' And she was, like, 'Oh yes I did.' So I, like, pulled her hair. And-"

Okay, leaving now.

Stupid Hufflepuffs.

They're all ditzes, in case ya can't tell.

Especially their Queen Bee and head of Potter's fan club: Summer Davies.

Okay, all this searching has made me hungry!

I gotta find marshmallows!

This train has to have some.

Okay, the trolley doesn't come till 1:00, so I have to find it myself.

Time for Secret Agent Lily. Code Name: Fluffy Llama.

Turn on Mission Impossible music

I'm as sly as a fox. As flexible as a monkey. As fast as an ostrich. As inconspicuous as a sloth. As lovable as a llama.

(A/N: Sorry if this next part is confusing, but it's explaining how Lily is acting like an agent and making her way to the food trolley.)

I throw myself against the wall. I tip toe down the isle. Noise. From where? I hit the deck. I army crawl to the next door. I very quickly peek into the window of the compartment. Ravenclaws. They don't suspect a thing. I high tail it, soundlessly, to the front of the train. I see the doorway to the conductor's area. Maybe the food is there. I speed up. Yet, I make no sound.

BAM. BOOM. BANG. SMASH. THUD. THUMP.

Ow. I feel like every bone in my body is broken. Then healed painfully. Then broken again.

I just had to trip. Not to mention the timing was _fabulous._ I tripped over my own feet right when someone opened the door.

Well, I guess my agent skills aren't up to scratch.

Might as well start apologizing.

"Damn, now I have the Mudblood bitch's filth on my clothes."

Never mind. Scratch that apology.

"Trixie! It's been too long!"

Heehee, I love acting so sweet when I know she hates it. Insert evil laugh in my head. Mwah ha ha. Ok, I'm done now.

"Don't call me that, Mudblood! Besides, I 'd rather never see you again. And I'd have my way if it weren't for that mudblood-loving fool."

"But Trixie, Darling, you don't mean that! You know we're bestest friends!"

Insert extremely fake, cheery smile now.

"I don't have time to waste on you, Mudblood."

"Oh, right. Another Death Eater meeting? Oh wait, you're still a Death Eater Wannabe. Don't worry, your time will come."

"Shut up, Mudblood. You have no idea how great The Dark Lord is."

"You mean I don't kiss the hems of his robes like you do, Bella, dearest."

"It's Bellatrix! Not Trixie. Not Bella. Bellatrix. Besides, you're not even worthy enough to kiss His robes or even be in the same room as Him."

"Right. Sure. Whatever, Belly-Welly."

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

Heehee, and now I leave. Oh, how I love ticking her off.

Although, my bum does hurt from that fall.

Ow.

Now where was I?

Ah, yes, marshmallows.

Where are those marshmallows?

Aha! There's the food trolley.

Oh, so much food.

No, I only want marshmallows. Okay.

"Anything off the trolley, dear?"

"Yes please. Do you have any marshmallows?"

"I'm sorry dear, but I only have wizard candies and chocolates."

Nooooo!

Damn.

How dare…them! Not giving me my marshmallows? They should be ashamed! Wait…who are "they"? Hmm…wizards! Yes! Wizards in general are evil! Evil, little, not-give-me-my-marshmallows meanies! I am disgusted! I am mad! I am livid! I am woman, here me roar! Meow. Hiss.

"What's got your knickers in a twist, Evans?"

Great, and here come the Marauders to interrupt my "Lily Time." That's so typical of them.

"I hate you too, Black."

Oh wait, Remus is here! I'm actually sad that I haven't seen him all summer. Yay! Finally, someone to have an intelligent conversation with. I've missed that all summer.

"Hello, Remus! How are you?"

Notice the subtle ask-me-how-my-summer-was-and-I-will-physically-hurt-you look that I'm sending in Remus's direction. Ah, he must have noticed. Yes, I speak the language of the eye. However, it really looks like my eyebrows are not cooperating and I'm impersonating a pirate when I communicate to Remus with my eyes.

"Hey, Lils. I'm great, how are you doing?"

Well, I guess Remus speaks Eye language also. He's also the only living person I will let call me Lils without facing injury afterwards.

"Spiffy."

Yes, I sound like an old geezer playing golf with his buddies at the local Country Club. And I'm proud of it!

"Are you taking Astronomy again this year?"

"Yes, I can't wait to spend valuable time going to class, when I could be sleeping."

Forced polite conversation, what a dreadfully boring thing. Remus and I aren't very buddy-buddy whenever Potter is around. Not that we're having a secret love affair when he's not here or anything. It's just that Potter gets jealous very easily when I'm talking or even smiling at a male specimen who is not him. Therefore, Remus asked me not to be so friendly when he's around, so Potter doesn't interrogate him later. Fine with me.

"So, did you get my letter this summer, Evans?"

I should have known Potter would drop into the conversation sooner or later.

"Unfortunately, after all, I _did_ reply."

God, he's so thick sometimes.

Maybe I can make a run for it before he asks me out again.

"So, what do you say, Evans, wanna go out with me?"

Too late.

Damn.

"Same as always, Potter, when hell freezes over."

"I'll see what I can do, Evans."

He's ever so egotistical.

"If you can manage that, Potter, than I hope you freeze with it."

Take that Mop-head.

I love calling people names. It's so much fun.

Oh, and Potter looks a bit mad. Maybe even hurt. No, I just damaged his ego a tad. Serves him right.

"Well, we'll see you at the feast Lils."-I gave Remus a quick relieved and thankful smile for rescuing be from Potter's wrath and stopping me from losing my temper-" I hope you had a good summer."

Insert deadly glare in Remus's direction. Oh my God. That little…I don't know. I can't believe him. He just has to make me think of my summer. My God, it just ended. CAN'T I HAVE SOME PEACE! And he's wearing that stupid smirk. I hate him, even though I know he's joking. Roar.

"Up yours, Remus."

And I walk away. Oh, I do love having the last say. Where's an empty compartment I can use for a couple minutes? Oh, here's one. Now I will soak in the glory of surviving another train ride, plus a confrontation with the Marauders.

Victory dance.

Ow. Stupid floor.

**A/N: There ya go. I was really bored, so I just kept writing. I'm really sorry, again, for not updating in so long. Thanks to everyone for reviewing. There weren't any questions or anything that needs responses, so I'm not responding to everyone individually right now. However, thanks bunchies!**

**Toodles Poodles.**

**By the way, please review.**


	4. They Say I'm Crazy

**A/N: I think everyone should know by now that I'm not the best at updating. Oops. Excuses suck, but I'm going to say some anyway. School has been horrid this year, and I've found an addiction to this computer game called Warcraft. Yep, but now I'm back. Just so ya'll know, I'm planning for this to be pretty darn long. Once I get around to writing it, that is. Okay, onward.**

**IMPORTANT: I've changed the layout to a journal format, because my point of view is getting sort of messed up. I'm going to see if it works out, you guys just tell me what you like better, okay?**

They say I'm Crazy

_-After the Feast, Girl's dorm, 10:00-_

All boys should die.

Instead of muggles and muggleborns, Voldemort should rid the world of males.

Merlin, I'll kill them myself!

Boys in general just ruined my whole day.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with cute little 5-year olds, but once they realize that girls don't have cooties, they should just go "poof." Especially the Slytherins.

Am I a piece of meat? I should think not! Well, technically, there is some meat on my bones…moving on.

I'm gonna stop ranting and tell you the story now.

Bloody Slytherins.

There I was, in the afterglow of a _lovely_ journey to school, walking through the train to get to the carriages. And whom should I meet on the way?

Lucious.

Malfoy.

Ew.

God, who names their kid after the devil? I mean, I called him Lucifer once, and he went ballistic. Well, he did like it better than Lucy, I guess.

So, I was just innocently strolling down the hallway of the train, and I'd like to add that I only tripped once, when I spotted the mongrel. Yea, innocent my arse, I was going to meet up with a couple of fourth years who said they had the goods. What are the goods? Why, they are none other than two bags of gushy marshmallows. Mmm. Yep, we don't do drug dealings at Hogwarts, we stick to sweets.

Back to the snake. He was _casually_ leaning against a compartment door, looking bored. As if. For all I know, he was probably guarding a top secret Death Eater meeting. Wait, maybe I should get some backup.

Nah, my name isn't Lily Evans for nothing.

Merlin, I'm sounding to sound like Potter…the horror.

"You look like you just got a stick shoved up your arse, Evans. What gives?"

I gotta start working on hiding my emotions. I have to have a blank expression, while maybe even looking a bit mysterious. Oh, I could be the mysterious lady in the red dress. Wicked!

"But what a lovely arse it is, I have to say Evans. I knew there had to be a reason why the old git let you into this school," the poor soul continued.

Screw being calm and emotionless, I'll castrate him myself! Did I give him permission to let him look at _my_ arse, let alone comment? He was probably mocking me somehow. Yes, he was really insulting my arse!

Oh Merlin, I just got called fat by a Slytherin!

"Ten points from Slytherin for disrespect."

As much as I'd love to say that I was the one who said that, I was still busy trying to get over the fact that a _Slytherin_ called me fat. Larger than average, if you will.

But wait, who is my knight in shining armor?

None other than the devil himself.

"Now, now Potter that's not fair. I've heard you say the same yourself," Lucy said. Hehe, I still have so much fun calling him that. Insert evil laugh. Oh bugger, now everyone is starring at me.

Yes. Potter has complimented my arse before, but not without regretting it once I got my wand out. Eh, I feel a bit left out.

"Well, I'm off."

So I chickened. Come on, you would have done the same. After my evil cackle, that just slipped out…they all looked at me like I was a foreigner. Wait, maybe I should cackle around Potter more often. He might find me extremely unappealing and leave me to the other dishy males of Hogwarts. Whoa, did I just say "other"? As in, dishy males _other than_ Potter.

Oh

My

Giddy

Aunt.

I'm officially insane. This takes the cake of every stupid thing I've _ever_ said, including that time when I said orgasm instead of organism in second grade. I still shiver remembering the teacher talking to me alone after class.

Potter is NOT handsome. He's not even cute. Although that arse of his is rather delicious looking…no, bad Lily! It's late, that's why I'm having these strange and definitely _not true_ thoughts. Stupid Potter, he's taking over my mind!

But, boy, could I spread him on a cracker…

SHUT UP!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

I can't possibly find Potter attractive, can I?

Well, I guess I'd have to be blind to not see it. However, that does _not _mean that I fancy him!

Wow, I can't believe I'm actually thinking this over in my mind. I really need some sleep.

And some marshmallows.

--------The next day---after dinner----library--------

Well, I'm proud to say that the thought of me actually fancying Potter was a fluke. Yes, I still admit that he is good-looking, but not as ravishingly so as Sirius Makes-My-Heart-Turn-To-Goop Black. Not that my heart would ever _actually_ turn to goop. Well, I should hope not.

I'm currently in the library…surprise, surprise. I know, how rebellious of me…

I just thought I'd get a head start on Transfiguration this year. Merlin knows I need it.

Look at the pretty little pictures! The q-tip miraculously turns into an elephant!

Wowzers!

Who'd have thought what that little thing was capably of?

Yeah, I'm definitely bored out of my mind.

Hmmm, what could possibly be more depressing than studying on my first night back at Hogwarts?

This is the exact moment that I hear a suspicious sniffle.

This sniffle was followed by a blow of someone's nose.

That person, I'm estimating, is right behind me.

Yeah, curiosity killed the cat, but my inquiry saved the lonely girl sitting behind me.

Cassandra Richards.

What a bitch. Just kidding! Cass and I go way back. Yep, we both got sorted into Gryffindor, we share a dorm, and I've spoken to her for a total of ten minutes of the four years I've known her. (We're in fifth year, incase I've never mentioned that.)

Cass is a really sensitive, quiet, studious…student.

She's had I lot of boyfriends because she's so sweet and caring. I guess that's why I envy her sometimes. I can be sweet and caring, too! She's the one that gets all the guys, though. Except Potter, drat.

I wonder what the hell happened that made her cry.

She just looks so depressed. It was like staring at a puppy sitting in a muddy puddle while it was raining. Sure, you're all warm and safe inside by the fire, but you want to help the puppy. Then, you notice that you'd have to go _outside_ in order to help the poor, misguided puppy. But, you don't want to get wet! Plus, you just finished putting your hair up into this _really_ cute hairdo that made you feel like a princess…you get the point.

However, I felt like I _could_ help this particular puppy…I mean girl. I'll just go over there, start some small talk and ask how she's doing. Subtlety is key.

"You look like shit, Cass. What the hell happened?"

Subtle my arse. I never was good at that.

"Oh, it's nothing Lily."

Right, like I'm gonna believe _that_. Especially after she sighed this huge, dramatic…sigh after she said it.

"If you say so…" At least I can give myself a pat on the back for being a caring person today. Kudos to Lily!

Just as I was walking away, though, I heard a timid voice say "I'm single."

It took me a minute to find out what's so bloody wrong with that. I mean, all guys ever do is insult your arse and annoy you.

Wait…that's just Potter and Malfoy. I really need to stop basing my judgment of the male species on those two.

"So, you and Johnny broke up?" I tried my best to sound sympathetic. I guess I didn't do so well considering how she cringed. Wait, that might have to do with the fact that I brought up her ex-boyfriend. Bugger.

"Yeah, he said that we were getting too serious. But that was halfway through the summer. And…well…I kind of have my eye on someone else."

Wow, that girl sure can blush. I'm guessing that it wouldn't be smart to point that out right now. I wonder who she's talking about. Damn my curiosity.

"Who?" I know, I'm turning into a gossip queen like my mother. Just kill me now.

"Well…_Mradie Munffles._" She mumbled the last part, incase you didn't catch that. I'd be a bit worried if someone actually named there kid Mradie. Wow, and she can turn even redder. She sort of resembles a bowl of strawberry jello. Yum…

"Yeah, I didn't quite catch that."

"Umm…okay, I like…umm…I kind of like Brady Nuttles."

I really, _really_ tried not to snort. But please, _Nuttles? _Call me immature, but that was kind of funny. Ooookay.

"Oh yeah, the Ravenclaw Seventh year the plays Quidditch?" Wow, I never thought Cass was into older men. Scratch that, I meant older boys. I can't really disagree though. Call me burnt toast, but Brady is one dishy fellow. God, what I wouldn't give to have his babies. But that's beside the point…

"Yeah, him. We hung out a couple times over the summer. He's so sweet and nice. And his eyes…wow. I think he might like me, too, but he hasn't asked me out yet."

Oh yay, I get to play matchmaker! I have the perfect plan, too.

"So, you're saying that you both like each other, but he hasn't made a move yet?"

"Basically and unfortunately."

"Well, you're talking to the right girl, 'cause I know exactly what you can do."

Wow, now she looks like a puppy that I just saved from the pound. How adorable, I just wanna give her a biscuit. She might think I'm a bit insane if I do that, though.

"REALLY?!"

Wow, I'm pretty sure I might have just gone deaf.

"You're so nice, Lily! Now what's the plan?"

No, my hearing still works. Good, good. Now for my ingenious plan.

"Well, it's pretty simple. Now, in this scenario, Brady and his friends will be hanging out by the…suits of armor. If this were a muggle school, they'd be by the lockers, which would be a bit more romantic. However, we'll work with what we've got. So, they're just casually leaning against suits of armor…shirtless. The boys, not the suits of armor, of course. That would be a major turn off-"

"Ummm, Lily? Shirtless guys, well…they-"

"Are just totally scrumptious? I know! I've heard that Brady has a six pack from Quidditch, too."

"No, Lily, wait. Can they please wear shirts? I'm not really into six packs and that. They…well-"

"NOT INTO SIX-PACKS? ARE YOU INSANE?"

She's mental, this one is. Who doesn't love a god-like chiseled guy with no shirt? Those muscles…yum.

Now the whole library is glancing at our table. Oops, didn't mean to scream. My bad.

"Lily, shh!"

"Sorry, Cass. It's just a bit hard to believe that you aren't interested in six-packs. Well, if you're interested in _other_ things, they can all be…pantless."

I honestly meant that as a joke. How was I supposed to know that good little Catholic Cass would go ballistic on me? And go ballistic she did.

"LILYANNA EVANS, I AM APPALED!"

And that, my friends, is how we got kicked out of the library.

She even called me by my full name, too. Traitor.

We are presently sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, continuing our discussion.

"That was soo embarrassing, Lily."

"I bare to differ, Cass. I was just kidding anyway. It's not my fault your mind is in the gutter. How do you know I wasn't talking about…thighs…or knees?"

"Shut up, Lily. Just get on with your plan. Or do I even want to know the rest of it?"

Is she implying that my plan is not good? Why that little…

"Of course you do! It's brilliant!"

"Fine, just get on with it. I might as well be amused."

"It's good to know that you find me as your source of entertainment"-note the sarcasm-"Now, if chests don't do it for you, what does?"

"I like hair."

"…So now you _do_ want them pantless?"

"EWW! Lilyyyy!"

I admit it, that was uncalled for. Oh well, too late now.

"Kidding. Kidding. So what type of hair style, color, etc?"

"_The_ hair."

Well, I think that cleared up everything for me.

"And does Brady have…_the_ hair?"

"Oh, he _definitely_ has _the_ hair."

I'm beginning to think that my life is out of a soap opera. Cass's tone of voice sounds like one of those ladies who is cheating on her husband because he is…inadequate, and her child has cancer. Next thing you know she'll get pregnant from the mailman and be whisked of to be a part of a TV series called L.A.: Lesbians Anonymous.

Don't Ask.

"So, he's casually leaning against a suit of armor, when you-"

"Why does it have to be a suit of armor?"

"Remember, we don't have lockers."

"Ya know, you mentioned those things earlier, what are they?"

"They're insignificant. Now, back to the plan. He's leaning-"

"Brady does lean very well."

"Spiffy. While he's professionally leaning against the-"

"Well, I wouldn't call it professional-"

"_You turn the corner and start to walk up to him._" I had to raise my voice a bit, who cares if he leans professionally or not? Not I.

"What type of walk should I walk?"

"Strut for all you're worth, babe."

"Lily…please don't ever use that voice again. You sounded like a gay male photographer."

Man, and I thought I was getting better at me impersonations.

Rotten luck.

"Aye, aye Captain. Make sure you swing your hips a bit, though. I've heard it's very feminine to do that. Something about guys liking girls that bring attention to their "hot arses." Bunch of crap if you ask me."

"How exactly do I swing my hips, though? I don't want to overdo-"

"Okay, erase the hip swinging and just walk."

"That sounds good to me."

"Okay, so, you're just walking by, and you guys make eye contact."

"He has great eyes."

"I'm sure he does. Now, while communicating with your eyes, you give him a 'come hither' look. Make it really sexy, too. Guys love that."

"Brady, also, loves kids. He helped be baby-sit my little brothers last month."

"That's great, but please keep these comments to yourself. I'm also going to pretend that you didn't just say that, because it makes him come across as a total pedophile, not to mention gay."

"Brady is NOT GAY! Or a pedophile," she didn't sound too sure about the second part. Although, I might have imagined that.

"Chill. Simmer down now. Back to my plan. Now, he's a bit nervous because you're being so forward, but you can _certainly_ tell that he likes it. He's not coming, though. Like, I mean, he's not coming for you. Oh, bugger, you know what I mean. So, you walk up to him. You grab his shirt, which he _is_ wearing, and throw him against the wall. Try to make it a part of the wall without a portrait, because they get _quite_ the sailors mouths when you disturb them."

"Oh, I really couldn't-"

"Shush, of course you can. So, after you show you're empowerment to Brady, you kiss him with everything you have. Make him sweat. Make him melt. Make him weak at the knees. Though, considering the talk of his past girlfriends, you'll probably be a bit weak at the knees yourself." I threw in a little wink there. Yes, I am coordinated enough to wink. Although, I'm still practicing raising one eyebrow at a time. It is not easy, I will tell you that.

Yes, about the whole talking to Brady's ex-girlfriends thing, I gossip a bit more than I lead on.

"Lily, that sounds so…so…_whorish._" Funny how she said the word like it was a sin to let it come out of your mouth.

Well, I do learn from the best. Mother dearest, of course. It's sad to say that I know the inner workings of her mind.

"Hun, you might need a bit more help than I thought. Back to the scenario, though. While you two are snogging passionately, Brady's hair stays perfect. Yep, not one hair out of place on that head. Not to mention that when you run your fingers through it, it's silkier than…silk."

"I do love his hair."

"That's the spirit! Now, go! Find your man and _snog him senseless_!"

"I don't think that's such a good idea Lily. What if he rejects me?"

For such a great girl, she has absolutely no confidence.

"He won't."

"What if he laughs at me?"

Poor, tortured soul. Break free and run wild!

"He won't."

"What if he doesn't kiss me back…then laughs at me?"

Now, this is just getting ridiculous.

"He won't."

"What if he-"

"Bloody Hell, Cass, just go!"

"I really don't think I'm ready for this, though, Lily. Maybe-"

"You know what, let's just go for a walk okay? We'll just hang out for awhile and think about this later."

"That's sounds great, Lily. Thanks for not pressuring me."

"No problem, Cass. Now let's go enjoy the beauty that is Hogwarts corridors."

Little did Cass know, I saw a certain group of Ravenclaws lounging around the fifth floor when we were walking back from the library. Mwahaha.

I am so evil.

And it feels good.

Now, I'll just _casually_ lead her to the fifth floor, and we'll _accidentally_ run into them.

Too bad I didn't pay attention to my philosophy: If anything (and I mean _anything)_ can go wrong, it will.

Well damn me to Hell and back for not remembering that one. In fact, just keep me in Hell.

"Come on Cass, I want to show you this really cool portrait."

"Okay. What's it look like, Lils?"

Wow, I finally have one full conversation with the girl and she's already using a nickname. Eh, fine by me. After all, I've been calling her Cass…

"Well, it's…ummm…it's a…uhhh….really cool….err…SURPRISE! Yes, surprise. You don't think I'd actually tell you?"

"If you say so, Lils."

It is what I just said…

"Hurry up, Cass. Just a couple more staircases."

"Well excuse me, Lils, but not everyone has loads of energy after inhaling large amounts of sugar."

I should've known everyone would know about my marshmallow obsession by now. The question is, who let the cat out of the bag?

Hmmm, I might have to go Secret Agent Lily Evans again…

"Hey Cass, look who it is? Is that Brady and his friends?" Of course, I said this in the most _innocent_ and _sweet_ voice I could muster.

"Lilyanna Evans, you ninny! You tricked me! How could you do this?"

Not the reaction that I was hoping for, but we can work with it.

"Now Cassandra, I just wanted to put my plan into action. You can't really expect to date Brady without asking him out now, can you? Just follow through with the plan and everything will be fine!"

I should be a Nobel Prize winner for all the effort that I'm putting into this. Honestly.

"Lily! You don't actually believe that I was going to go through with your plan! I thought you were joking!"

Why is everything I say never taken seriously?

"Come on, Cass! Just walk over there, pin him to the wall, and snog!"

"It's not that easy, Lils!"

Ah, the nickname is back. I must be breaking her down.

"Of course it is! Even I could do it!"

"Then do it."

Whoa. Hold the phone.

WHAT?!

I am not going to walk up to a random boy and kiss him! What does she think I am, some tart? Oh, wait, I think I might be seeing where she's going with this.

Oh hell, I might as well show her that Lily Evans isn't afraid of a weak, annoying prat.

"Okay, I will."

"You…you will?"

Yeah, she definitely doesn't believe me.

"Yes…umm, yes, I will! Just tell me which one of his friends."

"Okay, well…how about Tommy? He's the brunette next to Brady."

"Yes, I've studied with him before. I wouldn't mind if he was shirtless right now…"

"Lily!"

"Okay, okay. I'll kiss the guy, even if he _does_ have a shirt on."

"So, you…you're actually going to do this?"

"As long as you promise to get together with Brady after I do this. Okay?"

Hehe, I obviously turned around before she could answer to that.

"Lily, wait!" She whispered behind me, but I kept walking towards my destination.

I think I might be taking this matchmaker thing a tad bit too far.

Too late now.

The boys have noticed me by now. They probably would've thought I was just passing by, if it wasn't for the swing of my hips and 'come hither' look I was sending Tommy.

I almost tripped while I was swinging my hips, but we'll overlook that unimportant fact.

They definitely look a bit perturbed.

Does my 'come hither' look not work?

What if they think I want to eat them? Poor guys…though I wouldn't mind.

Am I not looking sexy?

Oh Merlin, am I not appealing to male specimens?

Holy shitake mushrooms…I don't have an once of attractiveness in me!

No, Lily! This is not the time for self-doubt.

This being my last _sane_ thought before I grabbed Tommy's head and pulled his lips to mine.

I'd love to say that it was right out of a romance novel.

I'd _love_ to say that we were like the stars of a romantic movie.

Merlin, I'd even be happy to say that Tommy pushed me away, stared at me disgusted, then left with his friends.

This, however, did not happen.

Tommy was too _shocked_ to move, hence the not pushing me away.

Cass was even _more shocked_, and she knew that I was gonna do it.

I was probably the _most shocked_ though, because I had forgotten about my philosophy.

Karma just had to bite me in the arse.

And bite me it did, way to hard for my liking.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

Now that I think about, Potter was probably the _most_ shocked when he turned the corner and saw me sticking my tongue down Tommy Mitchell's throat.

**A/N: This chapter was pretty random, eh? Cass is here! Yay! Now I get to respond to reviewers! Double yay!**

**You guys are soo nice! Thanks for all the reviews; it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks loads, and this chapter is for all of you!! I know, I'm so generous.**


	5. One Green Tile in a White Kitchen Floor

**Chapter Five: One Green Tile in a White Kitchen Floor**

Not good. Not good. Not good.

You don't have to be a genius to figure out that I am having a panic attack right now.

This was such a bad idea! Stupid Lily! Get a brain! What was I thinking?!

Oh, now I remember. 'I'll just go kiss a boy for no reason whatsoever, and see what happens!'

Brilliant.

I really need to have someone else check my plans before I put them into action.

You're probably wondering what the heck is going on. You might be asking yourself right now 'What is this crazy girl talking about?'.

Let's take a look at the current situation.

My tongue is presently residing in Tommy's mouth. Mmm, he is quite tasty, but that's completely beside the point considering Potter's gob smacked face to my left.

Wait…

Why are my lips still on Tommy's?! Back yee lips, back!

Ah, problem solved. I can breathe again!

I am now detached from Tommy, thanks to Potter, who's on top him.

Oh.

Hold on a minute…

I told you he was gay! People should really start listening to me! So, I guess little Potter has a thing for Tommy…well, if you exclude that fact that he's rearranging Tommy's cute little face.

Shit.

That's my fault, right?

Curse my stupid luck.

"Stupid." –punch- "Idiot." –punch- "Asshole." –punch- "Bastard." –girly slap…fine, punch- "Son of a—" Well, as entertaining as watching Potter beat up an innocent guy is…

I'm starting to feel bad for Tommy. He looks like a scared rabbit. Well, scared and bloody rabbit. I obviously can't go break them up myself. I do value my health, after all. But that's alright, because I can stop this by using only my words! Riiight, now's not the time to start talking like a pacifist, Lily.

"Oi, Potter!"

Punch. Punch. Punch.

Okay, let's try this again.

"Potter, stop that right now! Get off of him!"

Punch. Punch. Punch.

Well, I guess direct commands don't work on him.

"Please?"

Punch. Punch. Punch.

Nor does politeness.

"Potter, help me! The demented little wallabies are attacking me with machetes!" That's a strange mental image…hmm.

Punch. Punch. Punch.

Wow, he's still ignoring me. Gosh, that's rude! I guess I'll just have to try a new tactic.

"I always knew you were gay, Potter. This just proves my point. Although, I am the one who kissed him. So, if you were jealous, you should probably be beating me up." There, that should work. Guys are always sensitive about what people think of their sexual preferences.

Vicious punch. Vicious punch. Vicious punch.

Or not.

Well, it looks like Tommy's friends scattered. Potter must be more frightening than I thought. Or they fled at the ugliness of his face. Oooh, burn. Eh, shut up, Lily. I need reinforcements.

"Black. Are you going to just stand there or do something, stupid?"

He doesn't look too happy, either. Except he's scowling at _me_ right now. Hmm, maybe it's National-Boy-PMS-Day or something. From the way the Slytherin boys glared at me earlier today, I wouldn't disagree. Wait…they're Slytherins. Wow, am I on crack right now or what? Sheesh.

"I knew you were a little harsh sometimes, Evans, but I never thought you were such a bitch."

Ouch.

It's moments like this that make me wish I could just spontaneously combust.

Right now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Thank you so much, Betty! I really appreciate it."

"No problem, Miss Lily. It is an honor to be of services!"

Now this is what I call paradise.

I have one huge bowl of jumbo marshmallows, two little bowls of mini-marshmallows, a plate piled high with s'mores, and last but not least, a goblet of hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows floating in it.

I would choose this over drowning my sorrows in alcohol any day!

"Why such the long face, Lily?"

AHHHHHHH!

"AHHHHHHH!"

They should really start putting carpet everywhere in the castle. My bum can only take so much pain.

"Remus Lupin! How dare you sneak up on me!"

Stop smiling, you stupid tosser!

"Sorry, Lily. I guess it slipped my memory about how jumpy you are."

Hmph.

"Just don't let it happen again, or you'll be sorry…"

"Oh, yes, I'm so terrified of someone half my height! Who will protect me from your ferocious claws?!"

Har har har. You're hilarious, Lupin.

"Now, now, Lily. There is no need to look at me like that!"

"Like what? Oh, you must mean like I want to cut you up into little tiny pieces then cook you into a strew with carrots and onions? Then, feed you to the brutal creatures in the lake, after I--"

"Whoa, I never knew you were so sadistic. You and Filch must be soulmates."

"Lupin!"

I am going to tear every single hair off of his head! That little mongrel!

"Aww, Lily, I'm just kidding! But seriously, I want to talk to you. You know…about earlier."

Oh great.

"Why, whatever are you talking about my dear friend?!"

That look does not compliment his features. He's gonna get frown lines before he's twenty.

"Remus, how do you even know? It was an hour ago, and you weren't even there!"

"Yes, but when my two best mates came into our dorm room having a fit, I got to hear the whole story."

"Well, most likely not the _whole_ story. And most of it was probably biased opinions! Wait…I'm not your best mate?!"

"Lily! Stop changing the subject, and tell me why one of my mates was looking ready to kill, while the other looked like a puppy in the rain."

See? I knew that wet puppy metaphor was a good one!

"Well, that _might_ have been my fault."

"Might?"

"Depends how you look at it."

"Did you kiss Tommy while James and Sirius were watching?"

"Well, yes, but I didn't know--"

"Are you dating Tommy?"

"No, of course not! But I was just--"

"Do you have any romantic feelings for Tommy at all?"

"Umm, no. I mean, he's good-looking, and--"

"So, you ravished a boy who you had absolutely no feelings for while the boy who is in love with you was watching?"

Eh, I definitely don't come across as a good person if you put it that way.

"Now, Remus, ravish is such a _strong_ word."

"Did you?"

"Yes."

"And what do you have to say for yourself, Miss Evans?"

"I didn't mean to!"

Remus just raised his eyebrow at me. Ugh. He is so lucky! I can't raise one eyebrow to save my life. And don't think I haven't tried!

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain…"

Remus just raised his eyebrow higher. I didn't even know it was possible to control how high you raise it! Man, I must be deformed or something. Yes, that must be it! Oh no, I have some disorder that won't let my eyebrows be controlled by my brain!

Gasp!

"Lily!"

"Oh, well, Cass and I were---"

"Cassandra Richards?"

Oh, do I see a twinge of pinky on his cheeks? Does Remmy-poo have a little wittle crush on Cassy-poo? Hmm, maybe I should use my matchmakers skills to bond my two best friends! How awesome would that be? Well, really awesome!

"Yep. Why does that matter?"

"It doesn't. I was just making sure of the facts."

"Oookay. Well, she happens to like Brady Nuttles."-snicker-"So, I decided to use my powers for good, rather than evil, and get them together! It's not as easy as it looks, though."

Honestly. You think I could finish at least _one_ of my plans without embarrassing myself or breaking a bone! Matchmaking these days just isn't as easy as it used to be.

"Oh my. Well, this explains everything. Only you would snog a guy in front of everyone to get his friend to go out with your friend. I'm surprised that didn't cross my mind, after knowing you for so long."

Is he chuckling? How dare he laugh at my brilliant idea! Besides, it is _not_ as stupid and skanky has he made it out to be.

Hold it…does this mean I'm off the hook? Yay!

"I'm quite disappointed in you too, Remus! It seems to me that you aren't as sharp as you used to be! It must be the result of all those Salsa dancing lessons you took over the summer. Yeah, they probably fried your brain!"

"Lily…"

Oops. I should really learn when to shut up.

"Would you like a marshmallow?"

With that said, I threw the bowls at him and made a dash for the portrait hole.

I did feel kind of bad for my actions, though. That was a waste of precious marshmallows.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Are you sure we're allowed to be here, Lils?"

Actually, I know for a fact that we aren't allowed here. Hehe.

"Is this really the time for questioning, Cass? We are on a mission!"

"But this seems like such drastic measures! Especially after what happened earlier today…."

Oh please. Don't remind me….

"Let the past be the past. Come on, Cass! We have to get you your man!"

"Well…alright. But if you get us into trouble--"

"I won't. You really have to start to trust me, Cass!"

I guess this would be a bad time to mention that I have no idea what I'm doing. Also, the last person that trusted me ended up in prison for two months. But that's a whole different story…

I am really starting to get into this whole spying thing! Maybe I should be a proffesional someday. That would be so freakin' cool! Anyway, Cass and I are heading to the Ravenclaw common room right now. Since my last plan didn't get Brady to ask her out, I've decided to take a more direct approach. We're going to corner Brady in his dormitory, and get him to confess his deep and undying love for Cass! I already got the password from a scared little first year, so we should have no trouble getting in.

"Here we are! See, Cass? Nobody caught us in the halls! This is a piece of cake!"

"Well, Lils, most people aren't insane enough to take a stroll at 4 AM!"

"Then you should be glad that you have a friend who isn't right in the head! How else would you get your loverboy?"

"Well, I'd talk to him between classes or at meals. You know, what _normal_ people would do!"

"Psh. This is just a difference of opinion. Now, let's get on with the plan. I have places to be."

"At 4 AM?"

"Of course! Alright, _Serendipity._"

Nothing happened.

"…Uhh, Lils?"

"_Serendipity!_"

Nothing. Not even a twitch.

"Lily, maybe we should head back. It obviously isn't--"

"_SERENDIPITY!_"

"Shh! Be quiet! Come on, let's go!"

What the heck?! Why isn't the freakin' thing letting us in! Oh, hold up, that stupid firstie lied to me! To _me!_ _Lily Evans! _Well, I'd like to see what that little girl thinks when I pound the--

"Come on, Lily! Fine, stay here. But I'm going back to sleep! Good night."

Quitter! We have a mission! Ugh. Fine, be that way! Well, I am going to get in there if it's the last thing I do, because good spies never quit!

….

Twenty minutes later, and I'm still having no luck. These Ravenclaws are much more clever than I thought. This is just great, because now I'm going to be late for my quidditch lesson at 4:30. This calls for drastic measures.

" I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE THE WRONG PASSWORD, YOU INANIMATE OBJECT! YOU BETTER LET ME IN RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL HEX YOU SO HARD THE CASTLE WILL CRUMBLE! OPEN UP YOU STUPID PIECE OF--"

"EVANS!"

Crap.

**A/N: Yea, journal format really didn't work out. I like writing it better this way. Well, since it's been so long since I've updated, I had to read over my story before I wrote this chapter. Wow, I am **_**so sorry**_** for all of my typing and grammar mistakes. It's not even funny how many times I saw "I" instead of "a" and stuff like that. Also, I've accidentally been changing facts throughout the chapters. It's sad, because my story isn't even long yet. Well, Lily's name for one thing. Her name is Lily Marie Anna Lynn Evans. When I first started writing this, I was thinking of calling her Lilyanna, but I've seen that pretty often.**

**Also, I've gotten some e-mails saying that my story is very confusing. My apologies to those of you who don't follow my random thoughts. I don't really understand my own brain, and I don't expect you to either. However, if it does bother you, I suggest that you stop reading right now, because it's **_**not**_** gonna stop being confusing.**


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